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FANFARE

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NARRATOR: 'At last,
the big screen comes of age

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'with a story they said
could never be told.

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'Never before
such scenes of torrid passion,

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'never before
such a galaxy of stars.

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'Provocative John Cleese

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'as the mysterious quadruple agent
Clint Dogposture,

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'master of disguise.

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'Wherever it was hottest,
he was there.'

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I feel I owe you
some sort of explanation.

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'Sultry Graham Chapman

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'as the slightly dedicated
young intern Dr Dan Tendril.'

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What is it, Doctor?
BEETHOVEN PLAYS

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I'm not sure, but I think
it's Beethoven's Fifth.

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'Featuring rugged,
husky Marty Feldman

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'as iron-fisted rancher
Rock Thunderclap.

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'Who is this man?

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'Women throw themselves at him,

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'women worship him,

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'drawn by the strange animal power
they can sense in him.

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'He is brutal, he is ruthless,

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'and he is all man.'

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Yes, but I'm not a fanatic about it.

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'And introducing your hostesses
for tonight,

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'Aimi MacDonald and Mary Maude.'

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STUDIO APPLAUSE

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Hello again. I'm Aimi MacDonald.

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And I'm Mary Maude.

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For the next half hour, we shall
be wafting you around the world

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on the magic carpet of song.

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And as we wing our way
from foggy London town,

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where better for our first
port of call than foggy Spain?

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Sunny Spain.
Yes.

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NASAL VOICE: Excuse me.

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Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

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SAME VOICE: Goodness me, weren't you
on the plane on the way over?

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Thought I recognised you.
I don't forget a face.

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Nor do I.

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May I, er...?
Enchante.

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Here on holiday, are you?
Yes, yes.

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And you?
Oh, yes. Oh.

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Well, there's a turn up.

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I was wondering,
do you have the right time?

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I'm afraid I don't. I was about
to ask you the same thing. Oh.

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Er... ahem.

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Er, por favor, senor.
Senor.

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Er, senor, por favor, gracias.

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Ahem.

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SAME VOICE: Pardon me.
Are you gentlemen addressing me?

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Oh, goodness me, weren't you two
on the plane on the way over?

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That's right.
Fancy you remembering that.

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Never forget a place.
Well, there's a turn up.

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ALL: Well, well, well, well, well.

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SAME VOICE: Oh, do you mind
if I join you?

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No. Er, take a pew.

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Always room for a little'un.

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Oh, weren't you gentlemen
on the plane on the way over?

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That's right,
thought I recognised you.

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Here on holiday, are you?

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Oh, yes. And you?
Oh, yes, yes.

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Well, there's a coincidence.

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Ah, the vino. Gracias.

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Would you gentlemen are to join me?

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ALL THREE: Oh, won't say no.

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ALL: Sante.

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And, er, which part of the world
do you hail from, then?

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Oh, I'm from Bristol.

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Yes, I thought you were.

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I can always place a man
by his accent.

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I'm from Wimbledon.

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Yes. What about you?
Where are you from, then?

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I'm from Edinburgh.

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Edinburgh? Yes.

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Funny - you don't sound like
a Scottie.

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No. Well, I spent most of my life
in Cardiff.

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Oh, that explains it.

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Yes, that would explain it. Say "A".

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SAME ACCENT: A.
Yes.

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Whereas we Londoners would
pronounce it quite differently.

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We'd say "A".
SAME ACCENT: A.

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A.
Yeah.

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How would you say it in, er...
Manchester. ..Manchester?

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Er, we'd say "A".
Oh.

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Well, there you are, then, yeah.

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Well, that very interesting.

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Who said that?
It wasn't me.

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No?

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It must have been me, then.
Thought I recognised the voice.

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Well, we haven't introduced
each other formally.

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My name's Sydney Lotterby.

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Oh, there's a turn up.
My name's Sydney Lotterby.

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So's mine.
And mine.

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Well, isn't it a coincidence,
all being called Sydney Lotterby?

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Who said that?
It must have been me again.

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No, it was me. No, no, it was me.

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I felt my lips move.

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Ah.

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Well, what's your line of business,
Mr Lotterby?

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ALL: Wholesale greengrocery.

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Really? All three of you?

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Well, isn't that a coincidence?
I'm a barrister.

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Oh. I mean, you don't sound like
a barrister.

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Well, I used to be
a wholesale greengrocer.

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You don't sound like
a wholesale greengrocer.

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I'd have put you down
as a barrister.

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Oh, fancy that.

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Three wholesale greengrocers
and a barrister

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all called Sydney Lotterby.

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Well, it takes all sorts
to make a world.

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That's what I always say.
I always say that.

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So do I.
Me, too, yes.

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ALL: It takes all sorts
to make a world.

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Forgive me saying this,
but I was admiring your shirt.

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Oh, thank you very much.

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I was, in fact, casting a few
envious glances at your apparel.

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So was I.
Me, too.

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It's not everybody's taste, but I
like something a bit different.

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Be a sad old world if we all liked
the same thing.

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Well, Mr Lotterby...
ALL THREE: Call me Sydney.

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Well, Sydney, I must be toddling.

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Time and tide wait for no man.

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Just... Just waiting
for the little lady to come down.

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Yes, so am I.
Oh.

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Come on, Sydney, we'll be late.

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ALL: Coming, dear.

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Well, there's a coincidence.

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STUDIO APPLAUSE

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HE COUGHS
AND SPLUTTERS

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He seems terribly depressed, Doctor.
He won't eat anything,

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and he absolutely refuses
to let me take his temperature.

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Does anyone come to see him?
No, that's just the trouble.

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Oh, well, in that case,
we'd better put him on to

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the Automatic Hospital Visitor
Lonely Patients For The Use Of.

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You know how to operate it?
Yes, Doctor. Fine.

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RATCHETING

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RATCHETING

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No need to show me the way,
thank you, Nurse.

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I'll find him myself.

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Ah, there you are, you old fraud,

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large as life and twice as handsome.

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Hello, hello.

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Long time, no see.

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Where shall I put these?
Oh, wait a minute.

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How are you feeling?

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Very much worse, actually.

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Yes, you're looking better,
old chap.

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CLICKS HIS TONGUE
Old chap. Old chap.

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I always said that all you needed
was a good, long rest.

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Look. I've brought you some grapes.

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Oh, no!

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I've got 18 bunches in here!
Nice, big, juicy ones.

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No need to thank me.

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No, I won't sit down, thank you.

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I was wondering if you would like me
to bring you ins...

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No, no, please, you go on.

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Mine wasn't at all interesting,
really.

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I wasn't saying anything.

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How very interesting.

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I wasn't telling you anything!

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No, no, really,
I'm not at all bored.

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In fact,
I'm enjoying our little chat

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very, very much indeed.

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Do you want the bedpan?
No.

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What are the nurses like, then?

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Eh? Eh? Eh?

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I wouldn't know.
I haven't noticed them.

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Ha, ha, ha. There can't be much
wrong with you, then.

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Oh, dear, there goes the bell.
No, it wasn't.

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Are you sure you don't want
the bedpan? I'm positive!

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I'm sorry. I didn't realise
I was tiring you.

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I have enjoyed our little chat.
Nobody else is leaving.

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Yes, I know. I'm always the last.

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I won't be popular with Sister,
will I?

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Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

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I'll come again and see you soon.

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Grapes.
Is your nurse pan feeling better?

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Grapes. Nurses, nurses.
Nice, big, juicy ones.

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Grapes. Goodbye.

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Good... Good... Good... Buh...

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Oh, that's done me a lot of good (!)

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STUDIO APPLAUSE

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And now, opera.

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It is the night before the election
of the doge of Venice.

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Stefano,
clockmaker to Rufus the Great,

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suspects his half-sister Amelia
of taking part in the vendetta.

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Between Ameliga da Costa,
young Spanish corsair,

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and Angus McTavish,
at that time a Scotsman.

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Geronimo, unbeknown to her,
snatches the magic amulet.

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Bianca enters.

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They all take poison and die.

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THEY GASP

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The end.

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STUDIO APPLAUSE

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And now...

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Good evening.

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This evening,
I'm making an appeal to you

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on behalf of a large group
of people, of which I'm a member,

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whose active lives
have been severely restricted

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by a disease brought on
by the social pressures

200
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,960
and the stresses of modern living,

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which we call sleep starvation.

202
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Now, we...

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HE SNORES

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Good evening.

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This evening,
I'm making an appeal on be...

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HE SNORES

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Which we call sleep starvation.

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YAWNING: Now, medical research
is expensive,

209
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,960
but it is vitally important

210
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that something is done
to find a cure

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for this socially... disabling...
affliction.

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00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,320
RATTLE RATCHETS

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That is why I'm asking you to give,
and give generously...

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00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,960
..to this deserving cause.

215
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,960
Please send your contributions,
however small...

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..to this address:

217
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,960
Thank you for listening.

218
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,800
Next week,
I shall be making an appeal

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00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,320
on behalf
of those unfortunate people

220
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,960
who suffer from the delusion
of being attacked by bats.

221
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,160
Now, these pe... people

222
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are more to be pitied
than laughed at.

223
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The problem is growing every day,

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and it's time that something
was done now

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before it is too late.

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00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,640
Until next week, then, good night.

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00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,320
STUDIO APPLAUSE

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Ooh, how spooky. I don't like bats.

229
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,320
I don't like bats.

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I like bats.
Shut up.

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DRAMATIC STING

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Oh! Eeh!

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It's you!
HE HOWLS

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00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,960
Good evening, Mr Ordish.

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00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,960
Welcome to Luxby.

236
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:01,960
Dr Atkins!

237
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,960
Professor Newberg!

238
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,960
Fu Tong!

239
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,640
McDonald!

240
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:11,960
The same.

241
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So it was a trap?

242
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Yes. Checkmate, Mr Ordish.

243
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,960
You have made your last move.

244
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:20,960
I wouldn't be too sure, McDonald.

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00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,960
I still have one or two tricks
left up my sleeve.

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00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960
Kowalski, search his sleeves,

247
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,960
especially up them.

248
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Nothing.
Nothing?

249
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,960
I'll teach you to bluff me, Ordish.

250
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All right, Kowalski, go to Moresby,
fetch the car, and collect the girl.

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Not Susan!

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00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,960
Yes, Mr Ordish.
Your pretty little Miss Hinton.

253
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,960
You swine!

254
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,960
Argh! Argh!

255
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,960
Argh! Argh! Argh!

256
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960
What is it, Kowalski?
I can't drive.

257
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,320
You can't drive?

258
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,960
Fool! Dolt! Pig!

259
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,960
I'll teach you to drive!

260
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,480
Thank you, sir.

261
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,960
And so, I must take my leave of you.

262
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,000
I wouldn't bother to call for help,
Mr Ordish.

263
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,320
No-one can hear you.
They're all deaf! Do you hear me?

264
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,000
Deaf. Ha, ha, ha!

265
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,640
Ground floor, please.

266
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,000
Help!

267
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,960
Great Scott!

268
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,960
Ordish, thank God you're safe!

269
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,960
Yes, but Susan...

270
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,960
Susan? She's... safe.

271
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,480
Thank God.

272
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,160
Roger, darling.
Susan.

273
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,960
Quick! We haven't a moment to lose!

274
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,960
Strauss is on his way to Melton.
We must warn the professor!

275
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,960
ALL: McDonald!

276
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,960
Great Scott!
Quick, the door!

277
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,960
Not so fast!

278
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,000
You won't get away with this,
McDonald.

279
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,960
Oh, won't I? This is a gun.

280
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,480
You won't get away with this,
McDonald.

281
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,960
And it's loaded!

282
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,640
I don't think you'll get away
with this, McDonald. Shut up, fool!

283
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,960
You're all fools!
Do you hear me? Fools!

284
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:17,960
What are you?!

285
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,960
ALL: Fools!
Yes!

286
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,960
And now, you're going to die!

287
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,000
One moment, McDonald.

288
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,960
Just one thing.

289
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Why did Spengler go to Amsterdam?

290
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,960
All right.

291
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:30,960
Look out!

292
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:33,960
GUN HITS FLOOR

293
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,960
I'll get the police!
You ARE the police.

294
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:38,960
I'll get more of them.

295
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:39,960
Speaking of going to Amsterdam,

296
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,960
tell Peterson to leave
Hamilton's body in Keith's flat

297
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,960
so that Brody will think he was
the Albanian minister.

298
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:46,960
Argh!
I see.

299
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,960
So he was lying when he said he
hadn't visited Oxford last Friday?

300
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:50,960
Yes!
Oh!

301
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,960
But Herman told them that the
Dutch police inspector suspended him

302
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,800
on several occasions
for minor larceny,

303
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,800
and that he was going to reveal
his identity.

304
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:01,960
Don't move!

305
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Who are you?
Bronski!

306
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,960
ALL: Who?
Bronski.

307
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,160
ALL: Bronski?

308
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,960
But you're not with our lot.

309
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,960
Aren't I? Sorry.

310
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,960
Try the library.

311
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:13,960
Oh, thank you.
Yes.

312
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,960
These cases or larceny
have not yet been fully proved

313
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:18,960
by the Dutch police.

314
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,960
Library, please.
I see.

315
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:21,960
Argh!

316
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,960
So he told Strauss
to contact Brody?

317
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,960
Yes, but when Keith arrived
by accident... Argh!

318
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,960
..he was forced to... Argh!

319
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,960
..and to find Kowalski... Argh!

320
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,800
..to get him to tell Strauss...
Argh!

321
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:32,960
..to contact Professor Varling...
Argh!

322
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,480
..in Scotland... Argh!

323
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,960
..before Inspector Bold
could discover

324
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,960
where Hamilton
had hidden the plastic stoat.

325
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:38,960
Great Scott!

326
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,000
And Strauss contacted
the Japanese antique collector

327
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,960
at the Chinese laundry
in Wimpole Street? Exactly!

328
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,960
So... Argh! ..they sent
Professor Varley to Weymouth

329
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,960
before he could discover
that the girl was on the plane.

330
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960
Take that!
Argh!

331
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,160
Hands up!

332
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,960
Strauss!
Strauss!

333
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,960
HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

334
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,960
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

335
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,960
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

336
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,960
HE STOPS LAUGHING

337
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960
HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

338
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,800
THEY ALL LAUGH

339
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,960
Shut up!

340
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:19,960
Look out!

341
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,960
All right, this is a gun!
THEY GASP

342
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960
And it's loaded!
THEY GASP

343
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,960
And it's a clear night.

344
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960
THEY GASP
What's that got to do with it?

345
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,960
Shut up! All right, Kowalski,
you can come out now.

346
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,960
Quiet!

347
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,960
Kowalski, the door!

348
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,320
AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE

349
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:42,960
Open it, you fool!

350
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,960
HE QUACKS

351
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,960
Your disguise doesn't fool me,
Inspector!

352
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,960
You won't get away with this,
McDonald.

353
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,960
Shut up, you fool!
All of you, get against the wall.

354
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,960
You, too, Kowalski,
against the wall.

355
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:03,960
You fools!

356
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:07,000
You're all fools,
and now you're going to die.

357
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,960
This whole house is gonna be
blown to smithereens

358
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,960
in 30 seconds from now.

359
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,800
And there's a 100ft drop
from all the windows,

360
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:15,960
and the doors are locked,

361
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,960
and I've swallowed the key!

362
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,960
HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

363
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960
STUDIO APPLAUSE

364
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:46,160
NARRATOR: 'And now,
a song from Jack The Ripper.'

365
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,960


366
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,960


367
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,960


368
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,320


369
00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:00,000
STUDIO APPLAUSE

370
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,960
ALL: And now...

371
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,960
Hello.
Would you send me Constables Bude,

372
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,480
Hawkins and Staveacre, please?

373
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:20,960
Thank you.

374
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,960
Right, come in, lads.

375
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,960
STUDIO APPLAUSE

376
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,480
I'm sorry about this, lads,
but to put it bluntly,

377
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,960
we're a little bit short
of plainclothes policemen.

378
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,960
Not to say plainclothes policewomen.

379
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:42,960
Now, as you know, tonight,

380
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,960
we are going to raid
the Pink Rhinoceros nightclub,

381
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,960
and it's your job
to infiltrate unobtrusively

382
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,960
amongst the clientele
as ladies of the night, as it were.

383
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,960
Which brings me to the point,
Staveacre,

384
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,320
why the pipe and the moustache?

385
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,960
They have a certain lack
of feminine mystery. Oh, sorry.

386
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,000
And you, Hawkins,
the helmet under the arm

387
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,960
does nothing to the tutu ensemble.
Sorry, sir.

388
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,960
And Bude, Bude, I do think
you might have taken the trouble

389
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,320
to shave your legs.
Well, I did, sir. This morning, sir.

390
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:10,960
It's a five o'clock shadow.

391
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,960
Well, apart from one or two
of those little niggling details,

392
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,640
I think you all look
absolutely super.

393
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,480
Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir. I'm sorry...

394
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,000
Sorry about the police boots,
but high-heel shoes size 16

395
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,960
are hard to come by.

396
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,960
Now, let's see
if we can remember our names

397
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:25,960
for this evening, shall we?

398
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,000
Er, Staveacre.
Philippa, sir.

399
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,960
Philippa?
Yes, sir.

400
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,640
That is a nice name.

401
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,960
Ah, that is certainly
a very nice name.

402
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,960
Hawkins?
Samantha, sir.

403
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,640
And, Bude... Don't tell me, Bude.

404
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,960
I think it was Doris, sir.

405
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,320
That's good. Well, that's splendid.
Sir, do I have to be Doris, sir?

406
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:58,960
It's such a mousy name.

407
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,960
Well, what would you prefer?

408
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,960
Well... Bubbles, sir.

409
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,960
Bubbles will do.

410
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,320
Bubbles? Well, Bubbles it is, then.
Beg your pardon, sir.

411
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,960
If he can be Bubbles,
do I have to be Philippa, sir?

412
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,960
What's wrong with Philippa?
It's rather a nice name.

413
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,960
Well, it's all right,
but it's a bit plain.

414
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,800
It's a bit common,
if you don't what I mean, sir.

415
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,640
If you don't mind,
I'd rather be Beryl.

416
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,960
Police Constable Beryl it is, then.

417
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,960
And I suppose, Hawkins,
you want to change your name?

418
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,960
Er, no, sir.
I'm quite happy with my name, sir.

419
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,000
I think Samantha is me, sir.

420
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,960
I think with
my English rose complexion, sir,

421
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,960
I think Samantha
is definitely me, sir.

422
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,000
STUDIO APPLAUSE

423
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,960
Well, with that cleared up,
we should be all right. Yeah.

424
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,960
Were you at all worried
about your perfume, any of you?

425
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,800
Oh, yes, yes, sir.

426
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,960
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

427
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:55,960
I think my perfume...

428
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,960
I think my perfume is too flowery,
sir, for a Samantha.

429
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,640
For a Samantha?
Samantha, sir.

430
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,960
What I'd like, sir,
is something a bit more maddening,

431
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,960
like what Doris has got.
Bubbles.

432
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:07,960
Bubbles.
Bubbles.

433
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,960
Yes. Right, now...

434
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,960
Ha! Ha!

435
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,960
Right, well, you know...
You know what you have to do.

436
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:15,960
You go to the club,

437
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,960
and sit yourselves provocatively
on a barstool,

438
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,160
and engage gentlemen customers
in conversation.

439
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,960
Now, what's going to be
your approach? Erm...

440
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,960
Philippa?

441
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,960
Well, Philippa, sir.

442
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,960
I'd say, " 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello,
cheeky face,

443
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,960
"wanna buy a drinkie
for a pretty little copper?"

444
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:34,960
I mean "girl", sir.

445
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,960
Splendid. But don't forget
to waggle your hips a little bit.

446
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,000
OK, sir, but I don't wanna appear
too cheap,

447
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,800
otherwise he won't respect me.
One question, sir.

448
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,960
What do we do if the gentlemen
get too fresh?

449
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:44,960
Very good question.

450
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,960
What is the gentlemen get
just a little bit too fresh?

451
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,960
What would you say, erm, Bubbles?

452
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:52,960
I'd say, " 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello,
what's all this, then?

453
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:53,960
"Mind how you go.

454
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,960
"And I must warn you
that anything you take down

455
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,960
"may be used in evidence
against you." Good.

456
00:21:58,960 --> 00:21:59,960
Good.
Quite right, Bubbles.

457
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:00,960
Thank you, Sam.

458
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:04,480
You go to the club,
act as aforementioned,

459
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,960
and when the cabaret goes on,

460
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,960
then you take up your positions
by the doors.

461
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,960
And when the stripper,
Miss Gloria Esterhuizey,

462
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,960
comes to the end of their...
her act,

463
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,960
you reveal your identities
and make your arrests.

464
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,960
Right, got that?
Yes, sir. One thing, sir.

465
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,640
Why can't I have a miniskirt
like Bubbles has got, sir?

466
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,960
You haven't got the legs for it.
Dress your age, sweetheart.

467
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,960
What do you mean,
I haven't got the legs for it?

468
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960
What do you mean, my age?
You old scrubber.

469
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,960
That's who you are.
Did you hear what she called me?

470
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,960
You're a scrubber.

471
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,480
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen!

472
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,960
Gentle... Gentle...

473
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,640
Oi!
Stop it!

474
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,960
STUDIO APPLAUSE

475
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,640
Gentlemen...

476
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,960
Look what you've done to my purse.
I got it especially for this.

477
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:48,960
Gentlemen!

478
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,960
Would you please remember
you're ladies?

479
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:54,960
Now, off you go now,
and at the queue,

480
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,960
when Miss...
HE LAUGHS

481
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,960
At the queue, you arrest everybody
in the club,

482
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:04,320
except Miss Gloria Esterhuizey,
the stripper.

483
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,960
I don't want her touched.

484
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:07,960
Why not, sir?

485
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,960
Cos that'll be me.

486
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,800
STUDIO APPLAUSE

487
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,000
Last week,
due to a misunderstanding

488
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,960
between the director and myself,
you didn't see me dance.

489
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,960
But last night, I made him promise.

490
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,960
CABARET MUSIC

491
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,960
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